In this remarkable spoken word poetry, the poet speaks about waiting for the one person who God will put in her life, and that he is worth the wait. She beautifully details how God is the one in full control and she will gladly submit to His will in order to bring joy.
It is foolish to build a house on no foundation. It is also foolish to embrace a vocation without preparation and formation. The foundation must be built first and then the house. As Jesus said, “Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock; and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.” [1] The foundation is formation and preparation for a vocation. The house is the vocation. The foundation of any vocation includes a correct understanding and practice of permanence, exclusivity and respect for life. Generally, this foundation is formed between the ages of 12 to 22, and sometimes longer in our modern society. Dating is not needed, and should be avoided during these years. What is needed most during the foundation years, are good, holy friendships.
What does the Church say about dating? The Church does not have an official teaching on dating. Why? Dating is a cultural issue and in each culture it is different. Since America is predominately protestant, the value of religious life, consecrated life and the priesthood is not a considered reality for most of America. Most Americans view marriage or single life as the only vocation with two steps toward marriage: friendship and dating. Although the Church does not have an official teaching on dating, the Church does teach very clearly what is necessary for a good, holy marriage. When we think about getting into a dating relationship we should think of the following things: What is the best preparation for a good, holy marriage, or a good holy vocation? What does friendship do to prepare for vocation? What does dating do to prepare for vocation? What does dating give you that friendship doesn’t?
When should a person start to date? A person should date and search for permanence and exclusivity only when they have first laid a solid foundation; when they know themselves and know of what God is calling them to vocationally. Once a solid foundation is laid, a person should date and they should date with a purpose. The purpose should be to build on the foundation that has taken years to create. The purpose should be to find a spouse or community in which permanence; exclusivity and openness to life can be fully entered into. Dating during the years of preparation and formation years is not needed and is a distraction and hindrance to proper preparation and formation. Dating during the years of preparation and formation can distort God’s call, muffling the call or causing a person to not hear God’s call at all. What does dating during these years give that friendship doesn’t?
Why should a person not date? There are several reasons. First, dating creates a false sense of permanence. It has been said a million times: Don’t have sex before you are married. Sex is only for marriage. Think about this. Don’t enter into a permanent relationship with anyone before you are married. Permanence is only for marriage. A dating relationship, from the beginning is set up to be permanent. Modern dating has even been called “mini marriages” set up to end in divorce. When two people begin dating they think that it is permanent. How many times have we seen graffiti that says, “Anne and John forever”? How many songs and movies have been based on the idea of “our love is forever” or “no one can break us apart”. Dating prematurely sets up two people to fail in the virtue of permanence. Many times, the couple thinks it will last forever; that they will get married and live happily ever after. Instead, they are constantly let down when they break up. When permanence is repeated and a sense of failure becomes habitual, the concept of permanence can be easily weakened in the eyes of the individuals. Dating very often created “mini-marriages” which end in “mini-divorces”. When individuals finally enter into a marriage, they can easily carry negative views of permanence with them. Almost all, if not all, dating relationships end with a break up. Relationships before marriage are not supposed to be permanent, so why set them up to be permanent through dating? When two people are ready to get married, and they begin to date, then and only then would it be appropriate to start thinking about a permanent relationship. Further, those two people should not date at all unless they feel that the relationship could end in marriage and thus in permanence.
Second, Dating creates a false sense of exclusivity. Exclusivity is only for marriage. A dating relationship, from the beginning, is set up to be exclusive. A girl who dates a guy expresses that she will not place any other guy in the “place” that she has placed her boyfriend. She commits that she will not do things with others that she would only do with him. A guy makes the same commitment to his girlfriend. They make the commitment to be exclusive. These commitments include things like: only holding hands with the other, only sharing deep personal feelings with the other, only talk with or text them more than any other person, spend time with them more than others in life, and buy special gifts on certain days. These commitments and others which go along with exclusivity are unending. Therefore, faithfulness in an exclusive relationship is not necessarily based on love, but on faithfulness to the things both people said they would do. If they do all the things they committed to do they are seen as “romantic” or “a great boyfriend or girlfriend”. Dating is always based on these commitments. If a girl is dating a guy, she commits to hanging out with him, talking to him, going to events with him, etc. What if this girl were to start hanging out with another guy more, talking to this other guy more and even going to events with this other guy rather than her boyfriend? It would only make sense that her boyfriend would get mad, feel as if he was being cheated on and that his girlfriend is unfaithful. If she continued to hang out with the new guy, she has now formed an exclusive relationship with the new guy. It is impossible to be in two exclusive relationships. The girl has only one option: She must break up with her old boyfriend and end her exclusive relationship with him, so that she can begin a new exclusive relationship. She moves on from one exclusive relationship to another, and on and on the cycle goes. Why be exclusive with anyone? Friendship allows you to have the freedom of never being exclusive until you are ready to get married. The appropriate time to be exclusive is when two people are ready to get married.
Thirdly, Dating creates an atmosphere in which sexual activity is often misused. Dating in our society sets two people up to be sexual and often pressures them into a sexual relationship. By sexual we are not talking about sexual intercourse only, but all sexual acts, which arouse. If two people have been dating for a few weeks or months and they show no sign of sexual affection such as holding hands, kissing, etc., their friends begin to ask why. Their friends may even ask why they are dating at all if they never show affection. Sexual activity such as holding hands, kissing, touching, making out are all outward signs of the permanent and exclusive dating relationship that the two are involved in. By holding hands, kissing, touching, making out, etc. the couple is telling everyone, “Look at us. We are permanent and exclusive.” There is also the pressure to increase sexual activities the longer two people are together. The increased sexual activities are justified by the time they have dated (permanence) and also by their faithfulness to each other (exclusivity). The false sense of permanence and exclusivity that is established in dating justifies sexual activities. The more permanence and exclusivity that is experienced can add to an increase in or expectative of sexual activity. The permanence and exclusivity within a marriage coupled with sexual activity, leads to unity and procreation. This unity and procreation that is set side for marriage alone should never be entered into outside of the marriage bond. Sexual acts are intended to lead up to intercourse. Dating pressures two people into entering into acts which are designed to lead to intercourse and intended solely for marriage.
Fourth, Dating creates an atmosphere in which people have the power to decide how far sexually they will go. People that ask, “How far is too far go?” are asking the wrong question. People should not be asking how far is too far to go because they should not be going anywhere at all. You cannot go far if you don’t go at all. Anytime a person deliberately uses the sexual faculty they are going somewhere. The sexual faculty is the genital organs. Use of the sexual faculty means not just sexual intercourse but every kind of genital activity, whether committed alone or with someone else. Any sexual action, which would cause you to sexually arouse another, or another to arouse you, is to be avoided outside of marriage. We should strive to avoid every occasion to sin and to not place ourselves in a situation where we could sin. Placing ourselves in a dating relationship before we are ready to get married is placing ourselves in a situation where we will have to decide how far we will go sexually. Don’t go there at all! We should stay friends. Friendship doesn’t place that pressure on us.
Fifth, dating creates an environment in which the senses are heightened. When we attend the school of the gift of self, we learn the purpose of our life. What am I called to be? What is God asking of me? Blessed, John Paul the Great says, “Life is not a series of sensations to be experienced but a work to be accomplished.” Dating is full of sensations. These sensations are physical and can often lead to sexual sins. These sensations are emotions wrapped up in romance and false love. The focus of dating is very often based more on the physical and emotional sensations between two people than on the work that two individuals are meant to accomplish. The fact is that we all experience sensations. When sensations become so much a part of our life that we focus more on them and feeling them than on the work that we are to accomplish, we have lost our purpose in life. The school of the gift of self is a place where we develop friendships that help us focus on the work we were created by God to accomplish through our vocation. Saint José Maria Escriva says, “You’re bored? That’s because you keep your senses awake, while you soul is asleep.” Dating establishes a relationship in which the physical and emotional senses are awake while the soul is very often asleep. When people are bored the first way to solve the solution of boredom is to satisfy the senses. Let’s go to a movie. Let’s go shopping. Let’s go out to eat. Let’s make out. The challenge in life, which is learned at the school of the gift of self, is to wake up the soul, to satisfy the soul, and to embrace eternal joy and purpose in life.
Sixth, dating gives people a title and a reputation. What if two people are doing everything just right and are neither exclusive nor permanent and are sexually pure and discovering their gift? If they are doing all of this then they are not really dating. Even if they are doing all these things they still have the title of boyfriend, girlfriend and say they are dating. This title alone gives them a reputation and tells others that they are off limits. Just by the title alone they have given everyone else that knows they are dating the message that they are exclusive and ideas form in the heads of others about what their relationship may entail. So if someone is doing everything just right, is neither exclusive nor permanent, is sexually pure, and discovering one’s gift...LOSE THE TITLE...don’t bear false witness. Wait until you are ready to get married, and then date.
Finally, Dating often ruins what could have been a good friendship. Dating cannot also negatively effect a community. For example if two people break up and there has been friendship formed between the two and their families, tension might arise among families and effect those friendships. If two people break up and both are a part of a community, like a youth group, one person might not feel comfortable being a part of the community and might leave. We have all heard the advice many times, “If you really like a person as a friend, don’t start dating them or you will probably end up not even being friends.” This is very true. After breaking up, many couples no longer want to talk to each other, see each other, and might even avoid each other. If we are practicing chastity then, “The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.” [2]
[1] Mt. 7:24-25
[2] CCC 2347