Many people think pornography does not hurt them, but pornography hurts men, women, and marriages.
What does Pornography do to men? It destroys their masculinity. A true man’s masculinity is being able to deny himself for the good of another. In pornography, it is the complete opposite. The man succumbs to lust and is only looking at the woman for his own selfish desires. The desire is to look with the desire to take. With pornography there is not giving, only taking.
It kills the ability to show how a man should properly love someone. St. Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians, that men are to love a woman, as Christ loves the Church. [1] This means that a man should be willing to die for their beloved bride. Pornography does the opposite because it actually makes the man feel dead inside. “Living in a world of fantasy allows a guy to escape from reality and evade the demands of authentic love. Therefore, it does not liberate him. It enslaves him. Put simply, pornography is the renunciation of love.” Christopher West continues, “[Pornography] seeks to foster precisely those distortions of our sexual desires that we must struggle against in order to discover true love.” [2] Being enslaved to Pornography keeps the man from being truly free from his desires. This leads a man to never feeling completed by pornography. He will keep going from site to site seeing every different type of girl, setting, and situation and never fully be satisfied. One marriage therapist noted, “People who use pornography feel dead inside, and they are trying to avoid being aware of that pain. There is a sense of liberation, which is temporary: that’s why pornography is so repetitive—you have to go back again and again.” [3]
What does Pornography do to women? With countless men looking at porn on a consistent basis, it makes women think they must start becoming more like women in the porn industry to get a man’s attention. It changes women from being a human person in the image of God with dignity and respect and transforms her into a mere object. One porn producer said, “My whole reason for being in this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don’t care much for women and want to see the men in my industry getting even with the women they couldn’t have when they were growing up. I strongly believe this, and the industry hates me for saying it.” [4] What woman wants to be seen as a sexual object that can be used, abused, and then discarded just as quickly?
What does Pornography do to marriages? “To be blunt, pornography is the perfect way to shoot your future marriage in the head.” Men and women who spend years looking at pornography bring all this into the marriage. Many men and women hope that once they are married they will just be able to stop because then they will be satisfied by their spouse, but sadly, this is not the case. In fact, sometimes it gets worse. The reason is they have been trained to look at sex as nothing more than pleasure. Sex becomes something that is about taking instead of self-giving, mutual love. Through the influence of pornography, the habit of sexual abstinence is not practiced and so lustful passions can be forced upon a spouse. When the spouse does not fulfill the lust passion, a spouse can turn back to pornography even more. Even worse, due to the influence of pornography, the spouse could even look outside the marriage to find someone who can fulfill their lustful passions, just as porn does, even going person to person if necessary. It was said before in this packet that lust is like a fire that is not contained within a fire place or fire pit. Pornography is like fuel that makes the fire rage. With pornography the fire is always out of the fire place or fire pit and leads to other sexual sins such as fornication, homosexuality, adultery, masturbation, etc. If sexual activity with the same sex or with children is in the pornography, then pornography can be the gateway into the sin of pedophilia and homosexuality. Pornography in this case can arouse perverse thoughts, desires, and attractions that were never in a person.
In the fantasy of pornography, it makes men and women look attractive to the eyes of the person watching, and when a husband or wife cannot fulfill these expectations there is a great strain on their relationship because the spouse is only looking their spouse as a means for self gratification rather than a chance to unite in the gift of self and be open to the creation of life.
Sometimes in marriages, husband and wives will watch porn together in order to “spice things up” in the bedroom. The problem with this is it has taken another person to sexually arouse the spouses for each other. The between of marriage is that the “two have become one”, a third party is not needed or welcome. In the act of sexual intercourse, the husband and/or wife will not be thinking of their spouse, but of the actor and/or actress from the porn. This is the complete opposite of what sex was created for. Instead of renewing their wedding vows with their bodies, they are committing adultery in their minds.
Why is getting rid of porn hard? What about all the sexual thoughts that go through my head? Once it’s in our brain it’s as sticky as tar. It’s almost permanently in our brains. The other reason is the improper use of sex is everywhere. If someone says don’t think of a pink elephant, the person for a split second, will inevitably think of a pink elephant. When lustful thoughts pop in our head we can first pray for our purity, and then pray for that specific man or woman that came into our minds. We can offer them up to Our Lady who is the role model for purity. One time, a young male had a pornographic image creep in his mind during Mass. Instead of entertaining the thought, he prayed intensely for the woman’s soul and offered up her conversion for his Mass. While these images are extremely hard to get rid of, we can slowly win the battle by putting our mind on good, holy, and pure things.
How can I get over Porn? First and foremost we must pray. Prayer is essential for all of us and for our daily lives. Satan is always trying to find a way to cause us to sin, and we should never give him an opportunity to work on us. We should ask for our guardian angel and St. Michael the Archangel to watch out for us, our patron Saints to pray for us, St. Joseph, and our Mother Mary to protect us.
Second, We should stay close to the Sacraments. We should try to go to Mass as often as we can so we can stay close to the Eucharist. If we have fallen to the sin of pornography and/or masturbation we should go to confession and make a good confession. If pornography is a habitual problem, it may be good to go to the same confessor so they are aware of the problem and can help. Sexual sin as is the case with any sin is humiliating to confession, but maybe this humiliation will prevent us from sinning when the temptation arises.
Third, we must get rid of anything that may cause us to look at pornography or extremely limit our access if we are unable to remove it like the computer. If it is the computer, keep it in a centrally located place. Parents should do all they can to minimize their children from keeping their own computers in a secluded place. Also install filtering software that can limit the temptation or the unwanted pop ups. Another useful tip is to place holy objects around such as a crucifix. Also, if it is the computer, place a holy or religious background or wallpaper like of Our Lady. If the temptation is too great, simply just walk away. Go somewhere else completely and find anything else to do to help. When we are tempted we can’t act on the temptation we have to give ourselves time to let the temptation pass. There are stories of the Saints, jumping in freezing water, or in thorn bushes, to distract themselves from the temptation.
Find something productive and/or constructive to do with all the free time from not looking at pornography. Find a good book (possibly one on purity and chastity), exercise; find a new and fun hobby anything to do to keep one’s mind from being tempted. As the saying goes, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”
Fourth, find a person to help you combat this sin. We cannot do this alone. A priest, family member, youth minister, or good friend should be able to help you win the battle. As the Bible says, “Two are better than one … If they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up … And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken”. [5]
Lastly, look at what the motivating factors are. If it is just being afraid of getting caught or out of embarrassment, while at least a start, does not get at the root of the problem. We should pray and dig deeper to find the real reason, which is striving to find the love of God. We should want to die for our spouse, whether it is in marriage or for Christ and His Church.
As St. Josemaria Escriva said, “When you decide firmly to lead a clean life, Chastity will not be a burden on you: It will be a crown of triumph.” The virtues of chastity and purity will not diminish someone’s sexual desire or attractions towards others, but will only help someone put them in the right order. It will help us realize just how beautiful men and women truly are without looking at them at just body parts. In the words of C. S. Lewis, “Lust is a weak, poor, whimpering whispering thing when compared with that richness and energy of desire which will arise when lust has been killed.” [6] Let us kill the sin of lust and end pornography once and for all.
Other websites on this topic:
http://www.theporneffect.com/
www.chastity.com
http://www.diocese-kcsj.org/content/offices_and_agencies/my_house/impact_of_pornography/
[1] cf. Eph. 5:21-33
[2] chastity.com
[3] Estela Welldon, as quoted in Edward Marriott, “Men and Porn,” The Guardian (November 8, 2003)
[4] Robert Stoller, Porn: Myths For The Twentieth Century (New Haven, Conn.: Yale University Press, 1993), 31.
[5] Eccles. 4:9–12
[6] C. S. Lewis, The Great Divorce (New York: MacMillan Publishing Company, 1946).